Battered person syndrome and issues of truth and boundaries—implications for dealing with abuse
In today’s post, we want to cover the correlation between abuse and the veracity of statements coming from victims of abuse. Specifically, in the context of abuse, it’s important to recognize that a victim’s allegations may be factually untrue, while still pointing out abuse.
Before we go further, an important disclaimer: This post is not a tie-in to other recent posts about abuse. It is only a general discussion, but we hope to increase awareness of this important issue. Also, we prefer the use of “battered person syndrome,” versus the more popular “battered woman syndrome.’ The reason is that the phenomenon applies to men as well, and we often see it in LGBTQ+ populations, with a particular emphasis on trans persons.
So what is battered person syndrome, or BPS?
BFS refers to the psychological reaction of people who have been abused, whether sexually, emotionally, physically, or otherwise.
Originally coined in the 1970s, the term was interpreted to comprise four key attributes:
- The victim believes the violence they’ve experienced is their fault.
- The victim cannot blame anyone but themselves for the violence.
- The victim fears for their life and/or the lives of loved ones.
- The victim has an irrational belief that the abuser is everywhere and knows everything.
Over time, we’ve come to realize that, unsurprisingly, there are numerous related issues, including a feeling of helplessness, an inability to leave the relationship, and various coping mechanisms.
Additionally, many consider BPS to be a subcategory of post-traumatic stress syndrome, or PTSD. But the phenomenon doesn’t neatly fit in any one cubbyhole, and it’s important to recognize that trauma rarely comes in a box, neatly wrapped.
Stages of BPS
Traditionally, experts have seen BPS as comprising three stages when viewed in the context of a relationship:
- Rising tensions.
- Acute battering.
- Tranquil.
But just as few mental health issues can be neatly pigeonholed, our experience is that the so-called three phases are rarely discreet, but instead often tumble over each other. Indeed, abusers often appear to be constantly testing and probing the victim’s defenses, even in the so-called tranquil phase. And they often deploy micro-aggressions and passive-aggressive behavior to keep the victim off-balance, even as they gather material for their next attack.
Why BPS is important
We bring all of this up to help readers with context around several big cases we’ve handled.
Specifically:
- In several cases, the victim has made obviously untrue statements.
- In other cases, the victim has proved manipulative or has evinced boundary issues. In a handful of cases, we’ve had to block the person entirely, not because we didn’t care about their plight, but because self-perseveration become a priority.
But in every instance, when we step back to look at the larger context, it has been clear that these are learned behaviors, developed as a way to survive toxic and life-threatening situations.
In other words, it’s important for people examining these situations to recognize that more than one thing can be true. A person can be the victim of egregious abuse, and also not be consistently accurate in the information they provide.
Similarly, much like a drowning person who takes an unwitting rescuer down with them, a person who is desperate for a lifeline may run roughshod over boundaries in their efforts to save themselves.
Thus, it is important not to discredit allegations of abuse just because a victim says or does something stupid or seemingly dishonest. In fact, in many cases, we can conclude that these behaviors confirm just how bad that person’s situation is and perhaps steer them toward healthier interactions.
Of course, no one here is a mental health professional. So, while we’ve picked up several mental health professionals as friends and allies over the years, many times the best we can do is point the victim in the right direction.
And, as we said earlier, in a handful of cases, we’ve had to cut that person loose, especially if they are trying to pull us into a situation that may be harmful to themselves or their children. In one case, we sort of had to throw the victim under the bus, when they were basically asking us to endorse their own efforts to (unwittingly) abuse their own children. Yikes.
(Recall: This is NOT a comment on any recent coverage.)
Plus, while our hopes of retirement comprising endless hours at the gym, Martinis by the pool, pickleball, and long weekends at the beach seem largely undone by our advocacy work, we still try to sneak in some of those things around the edges. Self-care is definitely a thing.
We also hope that law enforcement officials, judges, mental health professionals, the media, and our fellow discernment bloggers will take an appropriately nuanced view of these issues. Indeed, some of the most horrifically abused people with whom we’ve worked have had moments of incredibly bad behavior, and showing some grace seems appropriate under the circumstances.
If nothing else, let’s not treat allegations of bad behavior by victims as somehow negating the possibility of abuse. Again, more than one thing can be true, and if we’re serious about helping victims, we need to focus first and foremost on caring for them and meeting their needs.