Anglican Watch

Stop the BS: Anne Turner’s letter to the parish is “a bunch of trash”

Grace Episcopal Alexandria empties out

Editor Eric Bonetti is out this week, continuing plans to donate a kidney. Our deputy editor is in charge and wrote this article.


Someone recently asked me why I haven’t posted much on Anglican Watch lately. I don’t really know the answer to that question, but a big part of it is workload, my frustration with our politics, and a feeling of deja vu. As in, “How many times does the institutional church have to prove it has no connection with Jesus before it’s willing to change?”

Fortunately, a solution to my lack of words came.

It came in the form of outrage over Anne Turner’s return after being suspended for a year for an adulterous affair. While I previously posted the reasons I am dismayed that Anne returned, my already bad mood got a whole lot worse after reading her weekly Epistle to the Malmites aka members of Grace Church.

Before we go further, I should tell you that I am very familiar with the parish and Northern Virginia. In my teens, I lived for several years in the area, moved away for college, and then did seminary at VTS. During seminary, I met Bob Malm and immediately loathed his facially obvious narcissism and manipulation.

In addition, two people with whom I am close remain members of the parish; they survive the toxic miasma by keeping a low profile, listening, and saying little.

About that letter

Anne’s letter, included with this post, is so bad it’s hard to know where to begin. But I’ll try.

Problems first appear in the second paragraph, when Anne invites people to a healthy, direct conversation about any concerns or questions they might have. That’s pretty rich, coming from a priest who lies to her parishioners, her family, and others about the road trips associated with her affair. She called them “spiritual retreats,” but they were nothing of the sort.

Moreover, Anne is famous for passive-aggressive silence when she doesn’t care for the question. For example, when my friend Mike Smith asked to attend the funeral at Grace of a parishioner with whom he was friends, Anne ignored him. That’s spineless and in no way reflects Jesus or love for others.

In other words, Anne is a model of toxic communication.

Yet now we’re supposed to stroll over to Anne and ask, “How long was your affair?” and questions of that sort?

My reaction might have been different if I hadn’t seen multiple occasions on which Anne, like our precious little snowflake Bob Malm, pushed people out of the church because they hurt her poor widdle feelings. And now I am supposed to believe she’s changed? Not bloody likely.

Whadya mean, “Our experience?”

Then, we get to the part in Anne’s letter where she talks about “our experience.” That’s a problem because, simply put, she doesn’t get to lump herself in with the victims of her misconduct. That is particularly the case when there is no evidence to suggest that she’s apologized, taken responsibility, or otherwise taken steps to fix the hurt and trauma caused by her misconduct, including her affair, her lies, and her possible wage theft.

In other words, Anne doesn’t get to act like a selfish ass, then jump right back in bed with us. (No pun intended.)

Anne’s vulnerability and exposure

Then Anne starts with the narcissistic efforts to make others feel sorry for her by telling us that she feels vulnerable and exposed, conveniently omitting that it was her actions that put her in that position.

It’s also alarming that Anne apparently is just now figuring out that, as clergy, we live our lives under constant scrutiny.

For me, that means that, on those rare occasions that I get a date, I usually try to go somewhere that offers a little privacy. But even then, I have to remember that I can and do run into parishioners, often far from home. (I once spent a five hour layover at the Atlanta airport with a parishioner. We had lunch, and it was a wonderful experience, but you can imagine my surprise when I stepped off the passenger shuttle and right into the arms of someone from the parish.) So, no matter where we go, we know that our behavior reflects on others.

Relatedly, even the more private aspects of my life need to pass the sniff test. (Now you know the origins of my nickname.) For example, if I have a breakup or other difficult conversation, I still have to act with dignity and grace, even if the other person doesn’t deserve it.

So, Anne should have figured out long ago that our lives are open to scrutiny. Nor is that a bad thing—all clergy need people in their parishes willing to hold us accountable, and I am no exception.

Indeed, the fact that Anne doesn’t appear to understand this basic aspect of clergy life makes me wonder if there are larger mental health issues afoot. Her comments just appear strangely disconnected from the basic reality of life within the church.

Speaking of, I have additional concerns about whether Anne really understands what it means to be a priest.

In her letter, she talks about being confident in her abilities. But the biggest requirement of the job is to live the Gospel, and on that score, Anne scores an F so far. In other words, contrary to what perjuring priest Bob Malm would tell you, it’s not all about looking like a priest, dressing like a priest, saying the right words at the right times, or offering great sermons. It’s about helping others on their walk, and so far, Anne’s conduct has been a hinderance to others, not a help.

Grace needs to change its behavior

Next, we come to Anne’s references to lessons learned from the past year and the need for the church to change direction.

At first blush, that all sounds good. But read Anne’s exact words:

“This community has paid a price this year. And yet, I believe that the painful cost of this year makes Grace Church a credible witness to the gospel. We can speak with an authority that few other communities have. When we talk about grace here, we mean it. We are willing to do the hard work necessary to live together in a way that is marked by God’s mercy and unconditional love.”

Few other communities?

For the record, it is relatively common for clergy to get defrocked altogether for extramarital affairs, although it doesn’t happen nearly often enough.

As for hard work, Anne talks a good game. But is she willing to change her ways? Will she model healthy behavior by responding to all conversations, not just the pleasant ones? Or will she continue to play passive-aggressive games while decreeing that many of Grace’s problems happened before she came on board?

Doubtful. Indeed, I don’t see that Anne’s taking responsibility for her conduct, even now.

Nor is Anne modeling a Christian approach to grace. Such an approach requires sincere repentance, amendment of life, apology, restitution, and concern for those hurt.

Yet when I look at specific opportunities for repentance available to Anne, she does not pursue any of them.

Consider my friend Mike Smith, who wrote to Anne seeking permission to attend a friend’s funeral at Grace. No one has ever accused Mike of doing anything wrong, yet Anne couldn’t even be bothered to answer. That is not behavior that reflects compassion, care, or God’s love. It’s not even remotely Christian, and it’s passive-aggressive in the worst sense of the phrase. The lack of a response indicates an indifference to the needs of others, and an unwillingness to address the deep sin of recent years in the parish.

Now, Mike has a heart transplant and is in end-stage renal failure. In other words, this is a good time for Anne to repent of sins involving things done and left undone.

Will she do so?

I doubt it. Yet she’ll try to fuzz and blur her way out of things by telling people what they want to hear and keeping a low profile until she is more firmly situated within her sinecure. That includes lots of New Age babble about peace, love, and solar eclipses.

That said, Anne is welcome to use the email form on this publication to contact us. I’ll be happy to put her in touch with Mike,

Game on, Anne. Time to walk the talk. We’re watching. Show us your letters aren’t empty babble.

Tell our story? Please don’t

Then we come to Anne’s bit about the church telling its story. All I can say is, please don’t. Many of us with ties to the parish already know the church’s story, which is one of corruption, arrogance, and personal/organizational narcissism.

Indeed, the church tells its story in ways large and small every day. Whether it’s a warm greeting in the parking lot, or the childish and hateful mean girl/boy games and gossip of people like Alison Campbell, Leslie Steffensen, Lisa Medley, Jan Spence, Kemp Williams, Teresa Preston, Kelly Gable, or the perjury and criminal conduct of people like Bob Malm and Jeff Chiow, folks at Grace have told me their story. They’ve done so repeatedly, consistently, and loudly, and I believe them.

The church needs to forget about storytelling and start learning about real repentance and grace. If it does the latter, it may have an opportunity to tell a new story, one that involves the Christian faith.

It is only when we name the sin in our lives and repent of that sin that we can move to those next steps that Anne articulates, including “compassion, forgiveness, connection, and healing.” Indeed, it is fundamental to our faith that, as Christians, we are called to bring light to the darkness. That is not the same as saying, “That may be too traumatic to discuss,” or “that’s too controversial.” We’re called to stand in those difficult spaces and have those tough conversations.

That brings up a related question: In the past, Anne has been willing to push people out who she finds threatening. But is she willing to say to someone—let’s say Jeff Chiow—“You are not ready to serve on the vestry again until you repent of your lies, false legal pleadings, and efforts to bully the dying?”

Of course, that would be helpful for everyone involved, including Jeff. But is she willing to lower the boom on egregious misconduct of this sort, even though the parish will die if behavior like this continues?

I think not. Nothing I have seen suggests that Anne has the backbone or integrity to act.

Of course, I could be wrong. In fact, I’d be happy to be incorrect. But somehow, I don’t think we’ll see Anne say, “I’d welcome the chance to discuss your concerns.” Or an email to Mike Smith repenting of her childish, passive-aggressive behavior.

Cheap grace abounds

I am also troubled by Anne’s implicit assumption in her letter that people will forgive her.

To be clear, Anne’s affair is an egregious form of abuse. It’s an abuse of trust and a violation of her ordination vows. And it models sh***, narcissistic attention to Anne’s perceived needs while ignoring the needs of others.

In situations in which abuse occurs, as happened here, victims are not obligated to forgive. They may choose to do so. They may not be able to do so. In any event, it is not our place to tell victims what to do.

I also note that, for victims of past relational and other forms of abuse, Anne’s betrayal has likely caused profound unseen trauma. We cannot forget these issues, nor can we pretend they don’t exist. But Anne appears to be trying to do exactly that, blissfully indifferent to the pain of others.

So, I am sticking to my guns. If Anne is sincere about repenting of her misconduct, an apology is already past due. From there, we move to reparations and other evidence that she is prepared to model a Christian understanding of forgiveness.

And let’s not forget: This is a parish that paid a severance package to an adulterer. How does that work? When did our hard-earned money go to rewarding misconduct?

Any church that can afford to pay severance packages to adulterers and then welcome them back without even so much as an apology neither needs nor deserves our time, talent, or treasure. Instead, both Grace and Anne Turner are toxic stains on the reputation of the church.

As for whining and wailing by parishioners about Anne’s absence for a year and how it inconvenienced them, spare me.

Believe it or not, the Christian faith is not all about meeting your needs and desires.

The Epistle of Anne Turner to the Malmites
The First Letter of Anne Turner to the Malmites
The Second Epistle of Anne Turner to the Malmites
The Second Letter of Anne Turner to the Malmites

Many thanks to Cynthia Puskar for the phrase, “A bunch of trash,” which so aptly describes the situation at this narcissistic, toxic, and clueless church.

8 comments

  1. Hi there. I was a member of Grace Church for about ten years. Many current members dismiss your commentary about the place as the result of Eric being “angry” and “disgruntled.” That’s a bad case of circling the wagons; you’re spot on.

    Repeat: You are spot on.

    For my first year or so, I loved Grace. It was a beautiful building, with lots to do and beautiful services.

    By my second year, I started to realize that the rector, Bob Malm, was weird. He’d vacillate between being friendly and trying to intimidate me. When he realized I had a nice house, car, and other belongings, he immediately proclaimed how he didn’t care about any of those things, then got really noisy and almost threatening. Watching this play out and his efforts to be cute, I realized he’s a narcissist.

    Then, I caught Malm in several lies. In every instance, they were lies to either make him look good or to avoid accountability.

    The cherry on top for Malm was the endless junkets “out of town.” $200K a year, and this lazy ass can’t show up for work? WTF am I giving generously to support an overgrown frat boy?

    Then, I started to become more attuned to the background noise in this place. One dear friend of mine ran out the door, never to return, after another parishioner yelled at her for not doing something to her liking. Similar issues came up in the choir, on the vestry, and on the altar guild. So many times, I heard people talking to each other in ways that would get you fired from a for-profit job.

    I also realized that Malm was appointing the executive committee. That is highly inappropriate—like me getting up there and pretending I can say Mass. His goal? To make sure that the least spiritually mature sycophants were protecting him.

    Another issue was the gossip and mockery. Two people I know were mercilessly mocked behind their backs for being differently abled. Not cool. For other people, it was all about whether they were having an affair, secretly gay, you name it, it was fair game.

    Still another problem was that this church looked inward. It was all about members’ needs and wants and almost never about being a Christian. All kinds of money went to Shrine Mont, getting drunk, and things like that, but next to nothing went to the community.

    Another issue is that the place is, in many ways, a cult. Any criticism of Malm or decisions within the church was perceived as disloyal, even when fully warranted. Malm would lie about issues, and people would just believe what he said unquestioningly—almost like having another narcissist, Donald Trump, in charge.

    Over time, I came to realize that the church is the spitting image of Malm: Friendly on the surface, toxic, selfish, hateful, and dishonest behind the scenes.

    Another issue: If you leave or you rock the boat, people at Grace shun you. In fact, shortly after I left, my Mom, also a parishioner for several years, died. Not one person from the church reached out, even though I’d been very involved while I was there.

    Also, I am pretty sure the office staff had something on Malm, possibly involving financial theft. My husband was a counter, and several times, deposits showed up at the bank in amounts different from what he counted. In fact, it happened often enough that we took photos of everything in the deposit — but it still showed up in a different amount.

    Meanwhile, my husband and I complained to Malm and the vestry multiple times about the office staff’s attitude and rude behavior. Twice, Malm lied and told me, “Don’t worry about it; they’ll be retiring this year.”

    In light of the bad behavior, the issues with the deposits, the hoarding, and everything else, why would Malm not take action?

    When I asked the bishop about it, he said, “Well, you should talk to the wardens.” But as I told him, I’d had that conversation multiple times. So, he said, “You can always file a Title IV complaint.”

    Well, a female friend of mine did that once over issues with sexual harassment, and the Diocese of Virginia blamed her for the situation, so I wasn’t about to do that.

    Speaking of sexual harassment, I experienced that several times at the church, including once at Shrine Mont, when a very drunken male tried to get me to sleep with him. I was like, “You do understand I’m married, right?” When I told Malm, he apologized and then ignored me. Those sorts of things don’t seem to be a problem at Grace —- I remember one Shrine Mont, when a troubled woman, very drunk and probably an alcoholic (she was drunk every time I saw her at an event) was pushing married men up against a wall and trying to make out with them. On what fucking planet is that okay? (She also tried that with my husband, but that story is for another day.)

    At the time, I also knew several diocesan staff and folks all over the diocese knew Malm had been getting away with murder for years. But neither Lee nor Johnston were ever willing to deal with these problems.

    Another issue: The mean girls in the parish. There is a bunch that thinks the world revolves around them; they are in charge, and if you don’t like it, they’ll try to intimidate you, spread rumors about you, and more. It’s like none of them progressed emotionally past eighth grade, and in several cases, I never once saw them show love or concern for others. Yet these women get elected to the vestry repeatedly.

    How sad.

    It also seems unlikely the church will heal itself. There’s zero introspection in the parish, and gossip, backbiting, nasty comments, bullying, and shunning are just par for the course. But if you say anything, you’re a traitor.

    Will Turner fix things? Of course not. Anyone with a head on their shoulders took a pass on applying for the job when Malm left, and Turner is a hot mess.

    As to Stevenson, I like him, but he really needs to suspend Malm, at a minimum, and force him to be evaluated for clinical narcissism.

    As for the elephant in the living room, I don’t know Mike or Eric personally. But I pulled transcripts and other information, all public records, from the litigation, and it is facially obvious that Malm committed perjury. He repeatedly said opposite things under oath, so in these cases, one of the statements must be a lie. Being a nosy bitch, I also interviewed dozens of people close to the matter, and they confirmed my conclusions. Yet folks at Grace still think there’s not an issue.

    So, if Stevenson has a spine, he’ll refer Malm’s perjury to law enforcement for an investigation. My lawyer tells me that perjury is a felony offense; Malm could be facing a serious smackdown.

    As for Jeffery Chiow’s pleadings, I accessed many but not all of them. In case no one noticed, several of Trump’s attorneys have lost their licenses to practice law for making false claims in court. Chiow’s bit about harassment via blog, being a domestic terrorist, and more is a bunch of horseshit and should be shocking to any real Christian. Chiow also should lose his license.

    Yet he is still around, which tells me that there is zero moral compass in this church. Any church with integrity would insist he fix this mess, or find someplace else to worship.

    Today, I am proud to report that I’ve left the Episcopal Church for another denomination, one that takes integrity, clergy discipline, and ethics seriously.

    I encourage others to do the same—if you are sincere about your faith, you must leave Grace Church.

    As for Anglican Watch, keep up the good work! You’re much needed, and if anyone doesn’t like what you do, screw them. 😉

  2. This parish is such a beautiful place. The building is very reminiscent of what I know an Episcopal Church to be. The liturgy, the vestments, choir, organ, use of Rite l on occasion. It’s really the last and only high church in the DioVa.

    The grounds are immaculate as well as the neighborhood. It reminds me of “church”. But putting all the esthetics behind, once the doors are opened, you attended a few coffee hours and start hearing the gossip, it’s like being part of a stew of poison.

    There is so much to unpack with Anne. I was not under under the Malm regime, so can’t make any comments on him, but let’s unfold the Turner saga, which is far from over.

    I am not sure why she can’t (or won’t) comprehend the “I” factor in this. Now it is a “we” factor. “We” need to seek forgiveness together,” “we” need to walk this path together. This was not a team play nor should it be a team effort. I really wish she would hold a town hall type meeting so parishioners can ask her about what is she going to do moving forward.

    In her letter, she stated she had doubts about returning and maybe some hesitation. This gig pays very good money, has a great benefits and housing package. She also isn’t the sole priest but has several who can answer the small tasks. Most parish’s barely have one priest.

    Yes, we can forgive her. But the vestry did a “North Korea” style election to bring her back which was probably 100% agreeing. The average parishioner in the pew was left out of the process and it was all “hush-hush”.

    I am not sure how many will leave, sadly, however many leaves will probably be replaced by newcomers who don’t know the history. While Malm is a whole other story, Anne is another issue altogether, which probably started as a root cause of past leadership failure.

    I don’t mind “forgive, forget, and move on” but the parish needs to have a serious talk with her. I don’t feel she has really had to face the hot seat. That would be step 1 in showing that she is serious in repairing damage caused.

    1. Yes, the church is lovely. Christmas and the Easter Vigil are wonderful.

      You’re right about the toxic brew. It even extends to people like Jean Reed, who spearheaded the 1997(?) building campaign. He’s otherwise a good and sensible person, but even so thinks Malm is a “servant of God.” The only person Malm serves is Malm, and it’s not hard to see. People are so invested in the place they cannot see their own sin.

      My suspicion is that, once the warm and fuzzies fade following Little Orphan Annie’s return, we’ll see decline at the parish accelerate. A high percentage of the parish is 65+ and will soon head to the Great Disco in the Sky. Meanwhile, young people are not replacing them.

      There’s also a generational issue at play. Older people grew up when church was normative and are often prepared to overlook bad behavior by clergy. Younger people have grown up questioning authority, thinking for themselves, and asking questions. They also can sniff out hypocrisy a mile away, and they have no use for the mean girl games in the altar guild, choir, and vestry.

      So, no one’s going to just shrug and say, “Anne had an affair, so what?” And while most younger people are very tolerant of honest mistakes, they want sincerity, transparency and disclosure. The efforts by Anne and the vestry to fuzz and blur her hypocrisy just aren’t going to cut it.

      Look for a much smaller church in 10 years, and sale of the building within 20 years.

      – Eric B.

  3. Hahaha. Saw the part about Cynthia Puskar and her “trash” talk.

    Typical. Like everyone swimming in the Grace cesspool, she doesn’t see any disconnect between saying shit like this and being a Christian. Not going to apologize either.

    People like that can go to hell & take DisGrace with them. Oh wait…they are already in hell. They just don’t know it. 😈

  4. I went there (Grace) on and off for a while. There are some **interesting** women there, Alison Campbell, Lisa Medley, Jan Spence, Kelly Gable, and several whose names I don’t know. They are two-faced, childish, hateful liars.

    Especially interesting is Lisa Medley, who tried telling me that the only person wid an issue with Grace was EB.

    Uh, like me, beetch. Plus the other 180 members who’ve left in recent years, LMAO

    An good ole Miss Kelly — she be at the bottle every time I see her. Failed the bar, took da bottle.

    I would def stay away from this place. As the Donald says, “it’s a sheethole.”

  5. Just saw that the assistant rector is posting the predictable stuff about letting go of the past.

    I think the word he’s looking for is “repentance.”

    1. Oh. I have to try and look at this. It would be of no surprise that the troops will be expected to fall in line under Colonel Annie. There will be no dissenting views while Momma Annie is at the helm.

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