Update: Episcopal priest Amy Moehnke and her alleged boundary issues

Earlier, we posted a piece sharing our concerns about possible sexual harassment by Bastrop, Texas-based Episcopal priest Amy Moehnke and the Diocese’s dismal response to the concerns raised by parishioner Amy Nelsen about Moehnke’s interactions with Nelsen and her children. This post provides an update on this situation and extends our cautionary message about Moehnke’s conduct. We also issue an express warning to Moehnke to stop the boundary incursions.

Since we last posted, the Diocese appears to have issued a pastoral directive to Moehnke that, in a nutshell, tells her to go no-contact with Nelsen and her family.

Needless to say, we have mixed feelings about this. Specifically, we believe that Moehnke’s conduct is sexual harassment, and we believe that sexual harassment should be a zero-tolerance offense. That’s doubly the case when, as here, Nelson already has told Moehnke to knock it off.

In this context, Maya Angelou’s famous call to radical clarity comes to mind:

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. People know themselves much better than you do. That’s why it’s important to stop expecting them to be something other than who they are.

In other words, from where we sit, we believe that Moehnke has already shown all involved that she doesn’t respect boundaries and is unable — or unwilling — to set boundaries for herself. That means we think it’s highly probable that we’ll be hearing more about her in the future, whether it’s months down the road or years from now. And we suspect there will be future disciplinary problems.

Setting boundaries in sexual harassment cases is problematic

We’d also add that, while we understand the importance of Title IV as a vehicle for healing and reconciliation, setting boundaries after sexual harassment occurs creates a two-tier system.

Specifically, priests are free to engage in predatory conduct, right up until someone finally lowers the boom. Then, it’s a case of “Whoopsie. Didn’t realize I wasn’t supposed to do that.”

However, family systems being what they are, relatively few parishioners will have the courage to put their foot down. Instead, we’ll see the predictable, “You misunderstood,” or “You have it in for your priest,” or “You’re too sensitive.”

And in many cases, anyone who comes forward will face retaliation by parishioners, given the rampant clericalism in the denomination. Nor are judicatories likely to provide a meaningful, trauma-informed pastoral response in these situations.

In other words, setting boundaries after sexual harassment happens far too often is a case of closing the barn door after the horse has already escaped.

But it gets better

Right about now, readers may nonetheless be breathing a sigh of relief and saying, “Well, at least the Diocese did something.”

Not so fast.

Soon after our original post, Nelsen and her family transferred to another parish, located almost an hour away.

That really redounds to their credit, since most people at this point would be gone, never to return.

Because children are involved, we’re going to be super careful and not identify the Nelsen family’s new parish in order to maintain privacy. That said, Moehnke knows the details of the family’s new parish, since they formally transferred their membership there. Thus, Moehnke received paperwork identifying who, what, when, and where.

Of course, having been told in writing to stay the heck away from the Nelsen family, you’d think that Moehnke would make herself scarce. Super scarce, right?

Well, soon after the Nelsens transferred, guess who rolled through the new parish to celebrate the installation of a new rector? You guessed it — Moehnke herself. And tellingly, we’ve been unable to identify any other installation services where Moehnke appeared.

In other words, the phrase “bunny boiler” comes to mind, especially since Moehnke has repeatedly shown herself willing to violate boundaries.

Our message to Moehnke: Don’t play games.

So, at this point, we’re wading in, and we have a very direct message for Moehnke:

Stay. The. Hell. Away.

Don’t show up at the Nelsen’s parish for any reason. ANY.

Don’t attend optional events where the Nelsens may be present. Yes, we get that Diocesan Conventions and some other meetings are required. But if it’s optional, you need to stay home.

And if you are at an event, and the Nelsens happen to be there, don’t look at them. Don’t talk to them. Don’t “run into” them. Don’t park near them.

Oh, and don’t gossip about them. Yes, we are painfully familiar with the clergy gossip tree in most dioceses. It’s ugly, it’s damaging to all involved, and you need to steer clear.

As for situations where you may be unsure, we’ll offer this: “When in doubt, don’t.” You created this situation and ignored multiple warnings to back off. You need to fix it.

And we want to be crystal clear: If you play boundary games, we will find out and it won’t be pretty.

We’re not nearly as nice as the Nelsens, and we will be on you like a duck on a june bug. We will personally file a Title IV clergy case against you, send out press releases, and do everything in our power to shut you down. We’ve ended the careers of other priests, and we’ll do our utmost to end yours.

Indeed, to paraphrase you, “That’s just the way we are.”

Don’t try us. And don’t say we didn’t warn you.