Grooming: What it is and what you need to know

Many of our recent stories have involved grooming, either as a primary or secondary issue. But some of the comments and questions we’ve received suggest that many may not fully understand grooming and why it’s so damaging, both to the primary victim and to the secondary victim.

This post is an attempt to address those issues. Our post also serves as a precursor for what we expect will be expanded future discussions of the topic.

So what is grooming?

Simply put, grooming is the deliberate act of building trust with a child, teen, or adult for the purpose of exploiting them.

Some experts talk about grooming as only involving sex. Still, our experience — which aligns with that of an increasing number of mental health experts — is that grooming often is the basis for many or all of an emotional predator’s relationships.

Grooming typically starts with friendship, mentorship, or kindness that gradually turns into manipulation, control, and sexual abuse or assault.

Two things that are important to recognize:

Grooming is a process, not a one-time event. It’s perpetrated over many weeks, months, or years, and typically extends to the victim’s family and community. Abusers use grooming to create their “ideal conditions” for perpetrating sexual abuse, including by building trust with anyone who might interfere with their intended crimes.
Grooming is a form of coercive control, a pattern of controlling behavior that’s prevalent in domestic violence as well as sexual violence. However, the term “coercive control” is more commonly applied to adult victims.

Why is grooming harmful?

Grooming is harmful, even if it doesn’t result in sexual assault. That’s because the abuser misuses the victim’s trust and feelings, often creating fear of consequences. For example, a perpetrator may tell a child that they will harm something or someone they love — a pet or family member, for instance — if they tell anyone or complain. Or the perpetrator may say things like, “I’ll kill myself if I can’t spend the weekend with you.”

The fallout from the underlying manipulation and the realization that the abuser has betrayed their trust is often profoundly traumatic for the primary victim and others.

We also note that, in the Trinity case, there are well-documented allegations of Johnny Boy threatening to harm himself if he didn’t have access to the boy in question. That, right there, is a dead giveaway that something was seriously remiss at the church.

What does grooming involve?

Experts typically see grooming as a multi-step process comprising:

1. Targeting the Child

Offenders may target and take advantage of a child’s perceived vulnerabilities. Those who commit child sexual abuse look for children who are lonely or have low self-confidence, as well as children who may have an unstable home life, emotional neediness, or minimal parental oversight.

2. Gaining the Child’s (& Caregiver’s) Trust

Those who commit child sexual abuse work to gain the trust of parents or guardians to lower suspicion and gain access to the child. The offender gathers information about the child by getting to know their needs, and then finding ways to fulfill them. The individual may use secrecy to build trust with the child and distance the child from their parents or caregiver, for example, by allowing the child to do something the parents would not allow.

3. Fulfilling a Need

Once an offender begins to fulfill the child’s needs with gifts, affection, or attention, the individual becomes more important in the child’s life.

4. Isolation

The offender may offer to babysit for free or do other “favors,” such as one-on-one tutoring or coaching, to create situations in which they can be alone with the child. Parents and caregivers may unknowingly encourage this supposed “helpful” behavior. The offender may begin to emphasize to the child that they are the only person who truly understands and loves the child.

5. Sexualizing the Relationship

Grooming often begins with nonsexual touching to desensitize the child so that they do not resist a more sexual touch. Over time, the adult exploits the child’s curiosity and trust and begins to add sexual components to the relationship progressively.

6. Maintaining Control

Those who commit child sexual abuse commonly use threats or guilt to maintain power over the child. The offender wants the child to keep the abuse a secret and ensure the child’s continued participation. The offender will engage in emotional manipulation: “If you tell your dad about this, he is going to hate you;” “If you tell, I won’t be able to give you gifts anymore;” “If you tell, your mom is going to get hurt.” The offender may normalize the inappropriate behavior with the child, or even blame the child for letting the abuse happen.

Who engages in grooming?

There’s a stereotype out there of a groomer being a sketchy, greasy-looking guy who is obviously creepy. The reality, however, is that groomers are often well-groomed, friendly, likable, and pillars of the community.

In other words, as one mental health professional puts it, “That’s why grooming is so dangerous: It shows up as nice.”

Those who engage in grooming are often people the child knows and trusts. They may be male or female and often hold high-trust positions in the community, such as youth pastors, priests, Boy Scout leaders, and more.

We also want to reiterate two previous points:

Groomers typically groom the entire community, such that no one would ever believe they would hurt a child. Indeed, a typical reaction is, “I know [fill in the blank]. He would never do such a thing.”
Many groomers are serial predators whose abusive conduct extends beyond sex. Indeed, we have encountered many who don’t seek sex at all, but instead use excess charm and manipulation to structure their entire lives, often using these traits to obtain high-compensation, low-effort jobs, even as they engage in wage theft and otherwise abuse the system with impunity. (It is amazing how many priests get paid to work a 40-50 hour week, but instead do the out-on-Sunday, back-on-Saturday routine. Nice gig, if you can get it.)

In addition to sex, what other forms of abuse are linked to grooming?

Outcomes can cover a wide range, from getting involved in a happy but unhealthy church (more on that below), to financial exploitation, to forced labor, and more.

Warning signs of grooming

The following are often signs of grooming:

Secrecy: Hiding devices, online chats, or refusing to explain relationships and where they spend time.
Unexplained Gifts: Coming into possession of money, phones, or clothes without a clear source.
Behavioral Shifts: Becoming withdrawn, anxious, overly aggressive, or experiencing sudden drops in school or work performance.
Inappropriate Knowledge: Using sexual language or showing an understanding of adult topics unsuited to their age

Red flags

The following are red flags that should constitute an urgent warning to caregivers and mandatory reporters:

Unusual favoritism toward a specific child: special gifts, private outings, or excessive attention that sets them apart.
Overstepping physical boundaries, especially unwanted hugs, back rubs, or “accidental” touching.
Sexualized jokes or conversations disguised as “education.”
Watching a child undress or exposing themselves.
Frequent secrets shared with a child—starting small but escalating.
Isolation tactics—encouraging the child not to talk to others or mistrusting adults.
Providing drugs or alcohol to adolescents.

Who can be a victim of grooming?

Anyone can be a victim of grooming, although children, vulnerable adults, and older people are particularly at risk. It’s important to note that, at various points in our lives, we’re all vulnerable, including when recovering from illness or an operation, in the midst of a divorce or other loss, or when we are dying. Persons who struggle with basic needs, including food and shelter, also may be more vulnerable.

At the same time, it’s important to understand that grooming can and does occur regardless of whether someone is in a loving relationship or family, has caring/attentive parents, or a family’s wealth/social standing.

Grooming in church environments

Another observation from our eleven years of operation: Many churches and dioceses have malevolent narcissists as leaders. These so-called leaders commonly deploy grooming techniques as part of their abusive relationship with the church or diocese.

In these situations, clergy size up their parishioners, looking for chinks in that person’s psychological armor. They then make it appear as though they are addressing unmet needs, often amidst a flurry of carefully targeted flattery, charm, hugs, smiles, and more.

A typical result is that parishioners feel a deep connection with their priest and parish, often expending ridiculous levels of money and energy serving on the altar guild, singing in the choir, doing volunteer work in the office, and more.

And while the priest may tell parishioners how much he appreciates their efforts, send thank-you notes, and more, if you watch closely, he actually doesn’t care at all, except to the extent that parishioners become a source of narcissistic supply and make him look good. (We use masculine pronouns on the basis that more men are narcissists than women. However, grooming and other abusive/manipulative behaviors occur in all genders.

So how can you tell that your priest actually doesn’t care? Well, one example may be that he never joins in. So, you may be sweating your backside off on the church roof, fixing leaks, but your priest may still roll out at 3:00 PM for golf.

Relatedly, you may notice that your priest’s body language doesn’t match his conduct. For example, your priest may hug you and smile, but you may notice that his eyes lack warmth.

We mention these factors because grooming, for many predators, becomes a way of life. Thus, even if sex isn’t the abuser’s goal, grooming is a key tactic in the abuser’s playbook.

How is grooming harmful to churches?

Beyond the psychological harm grooming causes to primary and secondary victims, grooming is profoundly damaging to churches.

This damage occurs on multiple levels:

Persons who engage in grooming are seeking to have their needs met. Thus, when clergy are involved, their efforts point people to themselves rather than to God. Thus, over time, parishioners’ focus shifts to their relationship with their priest, who often acquires demi-god-like status. As a result, the priest becomes the modern-day equivalent of idol worship.
By virtue of being inherently manipulative and abusive, grooming by a priest teaches church members to interact with each other in similar ways. Thus, churches in these situations often seem friendly and welcoming — but they are manipulative and abusive behind the scenes, with parishioners gossiping about each other, bullying, and mobbing (group bullying that typically comes from the vestry, the altar guild, and the choir). Additionally, a favorite tactic of groomers is to make parishioners feel special by saying things like, “Jan is an asshole.” That works for a while, right up until parishioners realize the priest is pulling that trick with everyone. Meanwhile, this behavior signals to parishioners that such behavior is okay.
When a groomer leaves the church, whether via his own power or because someone gave him his walking papers, things get ugly in a hurry. Deprived of the person at the center of the whole grooming paradigm, people are thrust into a situation in which they try to follow old models—but where a key component of that paradigm is missing. Thus, conflict and division explode, angry rhetoric becomes common, and lasting damage occurs. (Nothing like seeing church members flipping each other off outside church. Like, have some standards, folks, and at least take Sundays off.)

Can a church that’s experienced grooming be healed?

The answer is yes, but judicatories rarely take the steps needed for this to happen.

In practice, an interim usually comes in. They may work their backsides off, but the reality is that, lacking formal training and the disclosure of the so-called elephant in the living room, they are usually lucky to get people to be civil to each other.

Eventually, a new priest comes in, often selected because, alarmingly enough, they have many of the outgoing priest’s characteristics. That’s never good, and it’s typically not long before the church, which is now toxic, resorts to tried-and-true patterns of interpersonal interaction.

As a result, trauma extends for years, often generations, into the future, and few even realize it’s there, let alone have any idea how to address it. In such cases, it may be years before these churches close or merge, but regardless of the timeline, they have a very high failure rate.

So, what should judicatories do in these situations?

The first and most important part is to bring in outside help. We have seen damned few bishops or canons who have the training needed to fix these messes.

Second, there needs to be disclosure of the underlying misconduct, and a safe environment in which parishioners can discuss the situation.

Why?

The answer is simple: We can only fix that which we can name. And it is very difficult to work through the conflicts and challenges that arise in a church setting when a groomer has been part of the mix. Typically, only a highly skilled professional with specialized training will be successful.

Relatedly, there is a specific process to follow when disclosure is made. That process avoids causing further trauma and allows parishioners to decide if they even want to be part of the discussion. Many choose not to participate.

To be clear: The way to handle these situations is NOT to show up one Sunday unannounced, tell parishioners that their priest has been suspended, and that there will be a meeting after services. That is a worst-possible-case scenario, and we have multiple dioceses do exactly this, utterly oblivious to the harm it causes.

Nor should judicatories fear the trauma of disclosure. Yes, disclosing grooming or other misconduct is traumatic for many, but just as no one looks forward to surgery, typically it is the only way to fix the underlying issue. Certainly, it is better than ignoring the problem or appointing a new priest who attempts to address issues with carefully worded sermons and nudges in the so-called right direction.

Are existing Episcopal Church safe church policies adequate to protect against grooming?

No. Not at all.

Regrettably, as we saw in the Trinity Upperville case, judicatories often do not understand grooming, or recognize that grooming is a part of sexual abuse. When this happens, church officials typically treat the underlying behavior as a series of boundary violations, potentially addressable through additional rules and policies.

In our experience, this never works. Simply put, anyone willing to groom a child is a bad actor who will, over time, continue to probe and test boundaries. Moreover, their level of Machiavellianism means they will inevitably find ways to sidestep oversight.

In short, church officials don’t recognize that grooming is child abuse.

Even worse, while church officials are quick to tell people, “If you see something, say something,” they invariably do nothing to protect the person who comes forward. As a result, shunning and retaliation are endemic in these situations, which results in an expanding circle of trauma and the feeling by family members that their trust has been betrayed.

Should I report?

Despite our comments above about retaliation and the lack of state laws making grooming illegal, we strongly encourage the immediate reporting of grooming to child protective services, law enforcement, and the church.

Of course, doing so means being prepared for the inevitable retaliation and bad behavior from church members, so in many cases it’s best to clear out before making a report. Yes, it is often painful to leave a beloved church, but caring for a child takes precedence in such situations.

And, to be clear, Anglican Watch is always willing to do what we can to shine a spotlight on these issues and support truthtellers.

What are some good resources to learn more?

Following are some good links:

https://bravehearts.org.au/about-child-sexual-abuse/what-is-grooming/

https://www.childsafety.gov.au/about-child-sexual-abuse/grooming

https://rainn.org/get-the-facts-about-sexual-violence/get-the-facts-about-grooming/ (Note that RAINN uses a narrower definition of grooming than do others.)